Episode 16

The sound of the main door opening reached them. The dog’s toenails made a scratching noise when he ran across the enormous room. Footsteps echoed louder as the ogre approached the kitchen. They heard the kitchen door open and the saw the two-headed dog pranced into the kitchen. A second later, the ogre appeared walking toward the baking counter. His curly hair seemed close enough to touch. He reached the counter top and stared at the coconut cake. He picked up the cake to eye level, turned it at different angles and felt of the cut sides. He set it down; put both hands on the counter and stared.

Jack shuddered as the ogre looked around the kitchen and seemed to look through the grate.

The ogre backed away from the counter, clapped his hands and yelled. “Someone has been in my kitchen.” He nodded at the two-headed dog. “Find that person. You will be rewarded with a juicy tidbit.”

The dog let out a jubilant howl and raced through the open door. He lost his traction on the marble floor and slid to the foot of the stairs. He howled triumphantly as he got to his feet and bounded up the steps ten at a time. A second later, he was scratching at the library door.

The ogre was grinning widely as left the kitchen. He took his time walking across the ballroom floor.

Jack looked for another door in the library. He raced around the room hoping for an exit. “How can we get out of here? He’ll kill us for sure.”

“Relax. He’s not going to kill us. All we’ve done is enter his castle and eat an extremely thin slice of cake.” She waited hearing footstep coming up the staircase and then the short distance to the library door.

“Fee, fie, foe, bake, I smell coconut cake.” The ogre laughed and knocked on the door. “Who is in there?” He pushed open the door and stepped into the room. The dog brushed by his leg and jumped to the center of the room. One head was snarling at Jack, the other head was looking at Red with a pleasant face.

Red walked over and petted the friendly head. “We climbed the beanstalk and found your home. The cake was so deliciously smelling, I just had to have a tiny slice.”

Episode 15

Jack watched her enter, hesitated another few seconds before making a run to the door. Eleven seconds later, he was standing beside Red Ridinghood in a small foyer. There were two doors and a stairway going up and a stairway going down. He backed up a few steps as Red carefully opened the door.

Red looked out over a huge room. A marble fireplace dominated one end of the room, a white grand piano sat under a spiral staircase leading to a balcony and water fell into a round aquarium in the center of the room. Goldfish and other tropical fish were at the glass staring at Red Ridinghood. She eased the door shut and opened the second door. Aromas from pies, cakes, gingerbread and other baked good flooded her nose. She followed her nose and walked into the large kitchen.

She was cutting a very thin slice from three quarters of a coconut cake when Jack caught up with her. “What are you doing?” Jack kept his voice low and checked the doors. “The ogre will miss the cake. Then we will be in deep doo-doo.”

Red Ridinghood shook her head. “It’ll never happen. He’s too busy searching for his goose to miss a small slice of cake.”

A distant rumbling sound entered the kitchen. The lamps hanging from the ceiling swayed gently in the still air. A dog was barking from the direction of the beanstalk.

“He’s back.” Jack ran to a window. “There he is standing beside the plant petting a dog.” He moved his head to see better. “Not just any dog but a gigantic two-headed monster. What are we going to do?”

Red ran to the window. “Oh, oh, he’s coming this way.” She ran to an opened door, dashed across the huge room and took four steps at a time going up the spiral staircase. She opened the second door and entered a library. Book shelves went up twenty feet and still didn’t come close to the ceiling. For a change, Jack was right on her heels. She knelt beside a grate in the floor that allowed heat from the kitchen to enter the room. More rumbling and barking occurred, this time closer, much closer.

Jack knelt on the opposite side of the grate. “What are we going to do if he finds us? My mother says the ogre bites the heads off people he doesn’t like. I’m too young to die. Let’s make a break for it and climb down the beanstalk.”

Red shook her head. “We’d never make it. That two-headed dog looks awful mean. Just be quiet. Maybe he found his golden goose and is in high spirits like Snow White is with her prince charming.”

Episode 14

Jack crept across the hay to another crack between the boards. “He’s an ugly ogre, isn’t he?”

Red Ridinghood kept her eye trained on the ogre. She watched him stop at the beanstalk for a few seconds. He looked at the barn and sniffed the air. Then he grabbed the beanstalk and jumped into the hole. One second later, he had disappeared. Red turned around and walked to the ladder. “He didn’t look ugly to me. He was just a big good-looking guy.

“What are you talking about? He’s just a bigger version of Rumpelstiltskin.” He watched Red begin to climb down the ladder. “Where do you think he’s going?” He hesitated a second. “Where are you going?”

Red was walking through the different rooms in the first floor of the barn. “I see some nests.” She shook her head sorrowfully. “Not a single golden egg.”

Red Ridinghood walked to the open doorway of the barn before she answered Jack. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure our where the ogre is going. He’s searching for his goose that lays the golden eggs.” She walked across the courtyard to the blacksmith shop, keeping one eye on the beanstalk.

Jack followed closely. “What will he do? The goose isn’t down there. We need to find it so we can rescue my mother.”

Red shook her head showing a bit of disgust. “Forget your dumb mom for a while. If we find the goose, we are certainly are not giving it back to the ogre for your mother.” She looked into each nest in the blacksmith shop. “The goose is extremely valuable and your mother is safe and sound somewhere having a good time.”

Jack mulled this over in his mind for a few seconds. “What do you think the ogre is doing right now? Is he tearing up my mom’s house?”

Red shook her head and looked at the ogre’s castle. “I doubt it since he’s already been to your house according to your mom’s note. He’ll be scouring the countryside. I’m sure he will soon be checking Snow White’s cottage. Those seven trolls will steal thunder and snatch at lightning. We want to run across this courtyard as quick as possible. The ogre may have servants and I’d rather we not be seen.” She broke into a mad dash across the courtyard toward a side door. Ten seconds later, she opened the door and stepped inside.

Episode 13

“What was all that about?” Jack waited for something else to fall from the cloud. “What was that noise?”

Red hurriedly finished her sandwich. “I think it was the ogre moving around and looking for his goose. The turkey, guinea and duck got in his way and he threw them out. Let’s hurry on up before he decides to climb down the beanstalk. It would be terrible for him to find us sitting here.” She slung her knap sack on her shoulders and began climbing into the white clouds. She was out of sight before Jack finished his sandwich and began climbing.

Jack climbed a few hundred feet and stopped one branch under Red Ridinghood. She had her head stuck through what seemed like a hole in a solid cloud. “What do you see? Do you see my mom?”

Red pulled her head back and motioned for Jack to be quiet. She poked her head through for a brief look and pulled back. “I see a castle to our left. It must be the ogre’s home. There is a barn to our immediate right. I think we should climb out and run like the devil to the barn. The ogre may be close by.” Without waiting for a reply, she climbed up, stepped out onto the courtyard and disappeared.

Jack climbed through the hole, looked at the castle for a second, then stepped out and ran for an open door in the barn. He slid to a stop on the straw covered floor. He looked quickly for Red Ridinghood. She was on the second rung of a ladder going to the barn loft. She had her finger to her lips. Jack followed her up the ladder into the loft. He sat down on a pile of hay, panting from excitement and exertion.

Red had her eye to a crack in the outside wall. “I don’t see anyone. But the ogre is nearby from those rumbling we heard. He may be in that other building. It looks like a blacksmith’s shop.”

Jack nodded his head while getting his breathing under control. He waited a few more seconds before saying anything. “Where do you think my mom is?”

Red pulled away from the crack. “Knowing your mom, she’s probably at Snow White’s house drinking beer with the seven ugly trolls. Your mom’s note was probably just to make you feel sorry for her. Where ever she is, she is enjoying herself.” The barn shook slightly and a door slammed. Red pressed her eye against the crack. “Be quiet, don’t say a word. It’s the ogre. I think he’s heading for the beanstalk.”

Episode 12

Jack walked around the stem three times feeling the smooth green cover. He hung from the lower branch testing its strength. He was staring up through the branches when Red came out.

She handed Jack a small back-pack. “Are you ready? It’s going to be a long climb because the top branches disappear in the clouds. She stepped on the lowest branch and began climbing around the spiral stem. She was ten feet up before Jack shouldered his back-pack and began climbing.

A half an hour later Jack glanced up at Red Ridinghood who was at least thirty feet above and climbing easily. “Stop, wait for me.” His voice punctuated with heavy breathing. “Let’s take a break. I need a drink of water and a bite to eat.”

Red climbed another hundred feet and reached the bottom layer of clouds. She straddled a branch with her back against the beanstalk. Occasionally a cloud would make her nearly invisible from below. “Come on up. The view is beautiful.”

Jack collapsed on a branch one foot below Red. It took him a minute to get his breathing under control to permit easy talking. He parted some of the branches and looked out. “It is beautiful. I see Snow White’s home over there. Look, there’s your grandmother’s cottage.” He opened his knap-sack and took out a sandwich. “I don’t think I want a beer right now. I’ll save it for later.” He looked upward along the beanstalk. “I wonder how much further we have to climb?”

“Not too much farther. Maybe a few hundred feet. The beanstalk is getting smaller so we’ll soon be at the top.” She took out her sandwich and began eating.

A distant rumbling came from above. A few seconds later, a closer rumbling came down. A turkey dropped through the clouds and began a long glide to the surface. Next came a guinea followed by a quacking duck. Both spread their wings and began gliding.

Episode 11

One of those magic beans sprouted and now look how much it’s grown.”

Jack backed up a few steps and looked upward. “It is a bean plant. Look how the stem spirals as it goes up. I wonder what at the top.”

Red leaned against the house, keeping her eyes upward. “I’m not sure but I don’t think it’s Cinderella. I vaguely remember grandmom mentioning an ogre that lived in the clouds.”

Jack gave a brief nod and turned toward the house. He walked into the kitchen, placed the six pac on the counter and tip-toed to his mother bedroom. The bedroom was in shambles; the mattress overturned, bureau drawers on the floor, closet door on one hinge and feathers from a ripped pillow were everywhere.

Red stopped at the threshold. “Holy three men in a tub, what happened here? It looks like the work of the big bad wolf.” Her eyes stopped at the bureau. “There’s a note on the bureau.” She picked it up and walked to the window for more light. She began reading the note. “Jac, my dere son. A horible ogar has kidnapped me. He wants his gooce back. Please hury. You know how these ogars are. They like yung good looking women.” Red gave Jack a wrinkled smile. “I think your mom is stretching the truth a bit about young and good looking.”

Jack ignored her sarcastic comment. “I’ve got to rescue my poor defenseless mom from the ogre.” He paused a few seconds wiping his forehead. “What goose does he want? I don’t have a goose.”

Red turned around and walked outside to the bean plant followed by Jack. “I know what he wants. It’s the goose that lays the golden eggs. The ogre has either lost it, the goose flew away or someone stole it.”

Jack walked around the thick stem. “I wonder who has the goose. I need it to get my mother back.”

Red thought for a few seconds. “We have to climb up to the top and find the goose. Do you realize how much a gold goose egg is worth? I’m going in and pack us a lunch.” She yelled over her shoulder. “Then we are going to climb the beanstalk and find our fortune in golden eggs.”

They walked down the path to the atrocious frightful oak tree and stopped. “Come on with me, Red. We’ll drop this six pac off on the doorstep and then go out into the barn and sleep in the hay. A little time in the hay will make us both fell better.” He tried to pat her on the rear but missed.

Red Ridinghood nodded. “I’m all for it. I’m having a bad hair day. All I want to do is sleep.”

They walked gingerly down the wooded lane leading to Jack’s home. Tree branches leaned over the lane with splotches of moonlight providing the bare amount of light needed to stay in the middle of the road. A hoot owl signaled the end of darkness while a red-tailed hawk shook its plumage and screamed a greeting to the new day. The two young people arrived at the beginning of the open field at the early twilight zone of daybreak.

Red halted and pulled on Jack’s arm. “Jumping ugly princes, what in the name of Humpty Dumpty is that?” She pointed at Jack’s house and blinked three or four times to clear her eyes. “There’s something beside your mom’s house.”

“I don’t know.” Jack walked briskly half the distance to the house and stopped. “It’s a tree or something growing there. It was not there yesterday. I hope we didn’t pull a Rip Van Wrinkle and sleep thirty years.” He looked at Red for confirmation.

She quickly scanned Jack and looked back at the house. “No, you look just like you did yesterday. Maybe a little bit worse for wear. Let’s get a closer look.” She began pulling Jack toward the house.

Red stood at the base of the plant and looked upward. “It goes up forever. I can’t even begin to see the top.” She felt of the trunk. “It’s not a tree, it’s a bean plant. One of those magic beans sprouted and now look how much it’s grown.”

Episode 9

He sat down beside her and leaned back against the wall.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked around the dimly lit room. Snow White and Rumpelstiltskin were lying on the floor. One of the trolls was sprawled on the sofa with Rapunzel. Red Ridinghood was sitting beside him, lying against his shoulder and the wall. He moved his eyes back to Rumpelstiltskin and listened to his loud snoring.

Jack moved slightly and his head went into a galactic super nova, the Russian army marched through his mouth with their muddy boots and his eyes clouded over from the glare of a thousand suns. “What time is it?” His voice cracked three times in four words. “My mom will kill me.” His movement caused Red’s head to fall against the wall.

“Holy unicorns, what happened to me?” She moved her head away from the wall. “Where are we? What time is it? My head is killing me.”

Jack eased into a standing position. “We’re still at Snow White’s.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s nearly ‘bout morning. It’ll be daylight soon. I’ve got to get home right now.” He put out his hand and pulled her to her feet. “Let’s go before one of those dumb dwarves wakes up.” He walked to the kitchen area and picked up a six-pac of beer. “Dopey said for us to take a six-pac of Australian beer before we leave. Maybe this will make my mother happy enough to not beat on me.” He gently pushed Red Ridinghood out into the yard.

Episode 8

Dopey stepped outside and waved the others in. He stood in the center of the doorway when Red approached and tried to force her to rub against him as she entered the cottage. She giggled, pulled one of his long ears and pushed him away.

Jack waited until he had consumed two Australian beers before trying to borrow money from Dopey. He strolled over to where Dopey was talking with a longhaired woman. “Can you loan me five dollars. My mom is waiting home for a six pac of beer and somehow I spent all mine on ale.”

Dopey winked at the long haired woman. “What do you think, Rapunzel? Should I loan Jack five dollars so his mom won’t die of thirst?”

She nodded her head and patted the seat for Jack to sit down.

Dopey gave Rapunzel a lewd grin. He turned to Jack. “How about I take a six pac over to your house. Your mom is a nice looking woman. Maybe she’ll invite me in and share the beer with me.” He thought for a few seconds. “I better take two six pacs just in case I get lucky and stay a while.”

Jack stepped away from the two people. “Forget it. My mom wouldn’t let you in the house even if you had a truck load of beer.” He walked away and looked for Red Ridinghood. After a few more beers, he found her sitting in a corner with Jack Horner.

Episode 7

He reached under the table and tried to squeeze Red’s knee. He went into a laughing spasm as she jumped back from the table and shook her head.

Jack watched in awe as Rumpelstiltskin gulped down the ale in one huge swallow. Then he drank the rest of Snow White’s ale in another swallow. He wiped his mouth and beard with a cleaning rag the waitress had left on the table.

Jack took two swallows to finish his ale. He saw Red set down an empty glass a split second before his. “I want to borrow five dollars. I need to buy a six pac for my mom.”

Rumpelstiltskin shook his head. “Sorry about that old friend but I’m broke. My girl has yet to spin straw into a single piece of gold. But come on, I sure one of the seven uglies will loan you money for your sweet mom.”

Red Ridinghood grabbed Jack’s hand and pulled him outside. “Let’s go to Snow White’s. The trolls are a lot of fun and one of them may even loan you money.” She squeezed his hand and winked. “We can have lots of fun.”

Jack smiled for the first time. He began walking briskly to keep up with Snow White and her prince charming.

Rumpelstiltskin reached the yard of a large cottage and held up his hand. “Listen to those guys. I could hear them a hundred yard away.” He trotted to the door, opened it without knocking and went in.

Dopey stepped outside and waved the others in.

Episode 6

Jack looked at the Prince’s straggly hair, missing teeth and one eye larger than the other. He was wearing a pointed hat, a brown robe covered with straw with a rope for a belt.

“What’s wrong with Snow White? Her prince charming is old Rumpelstiltskin. He’s uglier than sin and drinks like a fish.”

The waitress appeared with four ales. “Pay the woman,” Rumpelstiltskin yelled and tried to pinch the waitress.

Jack reluctantly pulled the five-dollar bill from his pocket and handed it to the waitress. He watched with dismay as the waitress dropped some coins into his outstretched hand. “Where the rest of my money? Four drafts shouldn’t be that much.”

The waitress pointed at Rumpelstiltskin. “He ordered the best ale in the house. It’s expensive.” She hesitated a few seconds for a tip and then walked away.

He sipped on his ale, trying to stretch it out. At the same time, he watched Rumpelstiltskin chug-a-lug half of his ale.

“Drink up.” Rumpelstiltskin yelled. He reached over and pinched Snow White on her cheek. “Ain’t she a sweet little thing? Drink up; we’re going to her house. Her live-in companions,” he giggled a bit, “found some Australian beer. I personally think they stole it from somebody.” He winked at Jack. “Red is a cute little thing, too.” He reached under the table and tried to squeeze Red’s knee.

Episode 5

“My, your hand is hot.” She moved causing more of her leg to slip out of the slit. “Let’s go get a cold drink. I know a spot right over the hill. All we need is a five dollar bill.” She grinned widely and squeezed his shoulder.

Jack nodded his head the whole time it took to shake out the stone and put the sandal back on. He gave her calf a light squeeze. “Only one round. I’ve got to get home to mom with a six pac of Knickerbockers. She’ll be highly aggravated if I’m late. Maybe later we can go walking in the moonlight down by the old mill stream.”

“No problem,” Red Ridinghood said. She grabbed his hand and began running down a path behind the huge horrible looking oak tree.

Thirty minutes later, she pulled him into the Mad Hatter’s Saloon. She stopped, glanced at the people shooting pool, at the bar patrons and then at the crowded tables. She pointed at the far end of the room. “Look, there’s Snow White over there. I wonder who she’s sitting with.”

Jack waved at the cigarette smoke and squinted his eyes. “I don’t know, but it’s not one of those evil trolls.”

Thirty seconds later, they were sitting at the table.
“Red and Jack, I’d like you to meet Prince Charming. Isn’t he adorable.” Snow White kept her eyes on the prince the whole time.

Jack looked at the Prince’s straggly hair, missing teeth and one eye larger than the other.

Episode 4

Jack eased forward hoping to see a little more leg. “No, my mother was very angry with me for trading the beer for three seeds. She also wasn’t too pleased the way you took advantage of me.”

Red shook her head and waved him quiet. “But they are magical beans and you have it backwards. My grandmother was angry with me for trading so cheaply.” She smiled at Jack. She raised her leg and looked at her sandal.

Jack moved closer. “How is your grandmother? Is there any beer left?”

Red shook her head. She walked toward Jack, limping slightly on her left foot. “There’s a stone in my sandal.” She lifted her foot from the ground. “Will you take my sandal off and shake out the stone.”

Jack wiped at the sweat forming on his forehead and nodded. He knelt down and waited for her foot on his knee. He watched as she placed her sandal on his knee and pulled her skirt up a bit revealing more leg.

“You are going to need both hands.” She placed a steadying hand on his shoulder. “What do you have in your pocket?”

“Nothing.” He used his fingers to push the five-dollar bill deeper into his pocket and carefully removed his hand. He wrapped his hand around her ankle and gently began removing her sandal.

Episode 3

“Forget that other beer. Red and those seven ugly trolls swilled them down in a heartbeat. Here, take this money and get me another six-pac of Old Knickerbocker. Whatever you do, don’t stop at that horrible oak tree. I don’t care if the queen of Sheba steps out and wants to trade you Ethiopia for a six-pac of Old Knickerbocker.” She waved her hand toward the door. “Go and be quick about it. I have this horrible thirst coming over me.”

Jack snatched the money and bolted from the house at a dead run. He slowed to a brisk walk as he approached the dark woods. Fifty feet into the woods, he slowed to a slow creep, keeping his hand in his pocket clutching the five-dollar bill. Finally, he saw the huge ugly oak tree. He looked to the left and the right debating whether to take a detour around the tree. But plants of assorted bramble and thorns lined the road. There were wild blackberries, raspberries, gooseberries and briars in general. He stopped a hundred feet from the tree, took a few deep breaths and prepared to make a mad dash past the tree.

“Hey Jack, it’s nice to see you again.” Red Ridinghood stepped out from behind the ugly tree into the centre of the road. A bare leg flashed through a slit in her dress. “Where are you going? Did your mom like the trade? Did you plant the seeds?”

Jack eased forward hoping to see a little more leg.

Episode 2

“No, no Mom, I traded with her.”

She waved her hand toward her son. “Don’t tell me any more. My only son trading my beer for favors from that little hussy. Did she throw you to the ground and take advantage of you?” She paused for a moment. “Red didn’t take you to her house, did she?” She paused again. “I guess not. You’d still be there.” Her finger trembled as she pointed at Jack. “Hurry, go get my six pac before they drink them all. There may be one or two left.”

Jack made no effort to more. “You got Red mixed up with Snow White. She’s the one that hangs around with a bunch of little ugly guys. Red traded me some magic beans for your beers. She said they’d make me super rich like King Midas.” He held out his hand showing three large beans.

“Beans. You traded my beers for three measly lima beans.” She stood and wobbled over to her son. Taking the beans from his hand, she studied them intently for five seconds and then abruptly threw them out the window. She walked to a small bureau, opened a drawer, scratched around under assorted clothing and came out with a five-dollar bill. “Forget that other beer. Red and those seven ugly trolls swilled them down in a heartbeat.

Episode 1 of ?

Cheers/Nelson Lynch

Episode 1                         Jan 16, 2005

 

          "Jack." She tried to rise but fell back into the chair. "Where's that six-pac of beer you went to get for me? Did you get 'Old Knickerbocker,' that the best tasting beer in the whole wide world." She held an empty can to her mouth hoping for a last drop.

          Jack slowly walked to the living room doorway and stood there empty handed. He shook his head two or three times and shrugged his shoulders.

          His mother dropped the beer can on the floor and focused her eyes on his bare hands. "Where is it? Didn't you have enough money?" The Knickerbocker can rolled to the doorway. "Did you gamble the money away at the saloon? I warned you about shooting crap and playing poker with those cheating trolls."

          Jack looked at all four walls, the ceiling and the floor before looking at his mother. "No, the inn keeper didn't cheat me. I bought your Knickerbockers and was heading home like a good boy. I was right in the middle of the dark woods when Little Red Ridinghood stepped out from behind that huge oak tree. You know which tree I mean. The one that is really gigantic and dark and ugly."

          His mother put both hand over her eyes. She spread her fingers and looked sorry eyed at her son. "What did that little tramp want? Did you give her my beer?"

Love to All from the Farm
in Two Double-aught Six.

Cheers/Nelson Lynch